All or Nothing Read online

  It was why she had no wool stash, like other compulsive knitters. She’d given all of hers to Teresa when she’d been diagnosed and had never bought more than she needed since. It was too risky. It was an investment that might not pay off. It was betting on a future that might never come.

  These socks were the biggest project she had undertaken in over two years. Jen knit at night, she knit in the morning, she knit before her shift and after it and during her break, and slowly, steadily, a sock developed beneath her busy fingers.

  By the time she was heading home late Sunday afternoon, Jen had turned the heel of the sock. She was thinking she might finish the first one, but couldn’t count on the second.

  She was, however, ready to admit that she’d been wrong about Zach’s determination to see her. The most probable explanation was that he’d bailed on her, that he’d found another woman who was easier to get along with, that he’d been distracted by a wink and a smile, that he’d thought she was too much trouble (or too slow to jump into bed).

  Just like Steve.

  Which should have meant that she was relieved to have seen the last of him. It would give her more time to knit.

  Instead, Jen found it all a bit depressing. Had she ever met such an unpredictable man? It was kind of interesting to never know what would come next, if occasionally frustrating.

  It would be kind of fun to be in love with Zach, even more fun to have Zach be in love with her.

  She could admit that to herself, now that there was no chance of having anything come next from Zach. She supposed he would just bounce through life, savoring the moment and never worrying about the next one. Consequences would slide off him as if he were made of Teflon. Women would flock to him, like bees to you-know-what. (Maybe she’d touched on a deeper truth by calling him honey.) Money would appear and be spent, with him never sparing a care for the future.

  It sounded like a good life, put like that.

  It certainly would be good to have that kind of enthusiasm and energy again. Jen had forgotten what it was like to be so light on her feet. Maybe remembering that sense of opportunity, that conviction that fun was here for the taking, was good enough.

  Maybe not.

  It was probably only the ache in her shoulder that made her miss him, because she even missed his stupid lawyer jokes. She forced herself to remember that Zach had no plan. He was adrift.

  She was tired, that was all. Her mood had nothing to do with the absence of Zach Coxwell in her life, nothing at all. She forced herself to consider the good fortune of having the next two days off. There was luck. There was a cause for joy.

  There was a chance to sleep.

  To take a load off her feet.

  And to finish knitting those socks.

  What an exciting life she led.

  * * *

  Jen opened the door to her mom’s kitchen Sunday night to a chorus of greeting. Cin and Natalie were sitting at the kitchen table, drinking herbal tea and looking like the proverbial cats who had swallowed the flock of canaries.

  Hmmm.

  Jen took this as a bad sign. She almost looked for stray canary feathers, then decided not to give them the satisfaction.

  “Hi,” she said, closing the door, kicking off her shoes and dropping her bag. “Is there more of that tea?”

  “It’s rooibos,” Natalie said. “Very good for the immune system.” She poured a cup of the red herbal brew for Jen, who didn’t much like it but took a sip anyway.

  She couldn’t help but grimace.

  “You could put some honey in it,” Cin suggested.

  Jen tried not to flinch.

  “Also good for the immune system,” Natalie agreed. “Let me get it for you.”

  Jen regarded them both with some suspicion. “Why would I need extra immunity right now? What’s going on?”

  “Nothing!” Natalie said, her tone too cheerful to be trusted.

  “Winter’s coming,” Cin said and giggled.

  Jen sat down at the kitchen table and took a long sip of the hot tea. Her gaze flicked between the two apparently innocent parties, then she put the mug firmly on the table. “If you’ve fixed me up, you can forget it. Call and cancel. I’m going to bed for the next two days.”

  “Are you sick?” Natalie asked with concern.

  “I’m tired.”

  “Not sick and tired?” Cin asked playfully.

  “Not yet,” Jen said. She sighed and rolled her shoulders, then began to do her arm exercises. “I have two days off and I mean to enjoy them.”

  “In bed!” Cin teased.

  “Alone. Sleeping. It sounds like heaven.”

  “It could be more heavenly if you weren’t alone,” Cin replied but Jen ignored her.

  “You shouldn’t be lifting all those heavy trays,” Natalie chided. “It’s not good for your arm.”

  “Should you get one of those elastic sleeves?” Cin asked.

  “I don’t lift that many,” Jen said. “I lift on the right and the guys in the kitchen are good about helping me out.” She could feel the result in her left arm, though, and suspected that she had overdone it a bit. “There were just a lot of turkey dinner specials this weekend.”

  “I’ll bet.” Natalie came to stand behind Jen and started to massage her shoulders. Jen sighed and leaned back into her mother’s magic caress. “You have to think about how long you can do this job, Jen.”

  “I can do it as long as I have to,” she said, almost automatically. It wasn’t worth calculating how long she would have to wait tables to pay back her mom. Jen had done that before and she was depressed enough right now.

  No, not depressed. She was exhausted, which was different.

  “You should think about doing something else,” Natalie said. “Something that puts your brain to work. You should find a job that uses your other talents.”

  “Such as they are. I hear there’s a big market in knitted fruit. Oooo, that feels good.”

  “Zach said you were singing at the pub. You used to sing a lot.” Natalie sighed, her fingers easing Jen’s tired muscles. Jen closed her eyes, barely listening. “In fact, I don’t know when I last heard you sing, even singing along with the radio.”

  “We’ll book a concert,” Jen said, then straightened in confusion. Her eyes opened wide to find Cin smirking. “Wait a minute. I don’t remember Zach talking about my singing at Gran’s. We didn’t talk about the pub at all.”

  Cin smiled her Cheshire smile, the one that meant things were about to get interesting.

  “Oh, it wasn’t at Gran’s,” Natalie said. “It was here.” Then she caught her breath as if she’d said something she wasn’t supposed to have said.

  It was too late. “Zach was here?” Jen turned to look at her mother. This was the woman from whom she’d inherited the inability to tell a lie.

  Natalie shrugged as she smiled. “Just twice.”

  “Twice?” Jen no longer felt so tired. In fact, her heart was going skippity boop. “When did this happen?”

  “Friday, then again last night.” Natalie smiled as she took the seat beside Jen. “You know, I was so wrong about him. I’m sorry, Jen, that I gave him a hard time at your grandmother’s. False first impressions and all of that. He’s so sincere and so concerned about you…”

  “A regular prince among men,” Cin agreed. “Snap him up or I will.”

  “But wait! What was he doing here? We broke up after Thanksgiving dinner.”

  Natalie regarded her with an understanding smile. “He said you would say that. He was quite upset about it, really.”

  Zach upset? Jen couldn’t imagine him taking anything seriously enough to be upset about it. It was like trying to imagine Tigger the Tiger on antidepressants.

  Zach was playing mind games with her mother, that was what he was doing.

  Natalie sighed, obviously completely sold on Zach’s performance. Jen felt a niggle of admiration. Her mother wasn’t that easy to fool. “He thought things hadn’t gone that we
ll on Thursday and he was so sorry. He wanted to sort things out between us, so that there wouldn’t be any obstacles. I understand now that his mother has a lot of social obligations that need to be answered with a big wedding. It’s not his choice either, but only one of his siblings had a big wedding and he wants to please his mother. It’s quite reasonable, really, and Mom always said to consider how a man treats his mother when you want to know how he’ll treat you. I suppose I will have to find an appropriate hat…”

  “Stop!” Jen leaped to her feet. “Stop right there. You’re telling me that Zach came here—”

  “Twice,” Cin interjected.

  “—twice, and somehow, against all odds, persuaded you not only that a big church wedding would be a good thing, but that you need a hat? Are you really my mother? This would be a church wedding with a minister and hymns and crucifixes? And you? With a hat?”

  “No crucifixes in the Episcopalian church,” Cin said. “Just crosses.”

  “Whatever,” Jen said. “It’s still church, you know, pawn of the patriarchy and all that.”

  Natalie smiled and shrugged. “There’s nothing more persuasive than a man in love. And he’s good for you, Jen. Anybody can see it.” She wrinkled her nose at Cin. “I won’t have to wear mauve, will I?”

  “You get to pick before Zach’s mom,” Cin assured her. “That’s how it works. I looked it up.”

  “Maybe blue would be better…”

  Jen made an incoherent sound of exasperation. “He’s not in love! At least not with me.”

  Natalie shook her head sadly. “Zach said you’d say that.”

  Jen was outraged that Zach had thought this far ahead.

  On the other hand, it was kind of impressive.

  Her mother waxed rhapsodic. “Zach really does understand you, Jen. I was so touched by his thoughtfulness. And the way he makes you laugh. Look at all the similar choices you’ve made in your lives. Well, anyone could see that you’re perfect for each other.”

  Jen pulled out a chair and sat down beside her mother, determined to get to the bottom of this. “Mom, listen to me. Zach is not concerned. He’s putting you on…”

  “Jen! I don’t know how you can say that!”

  “He’s putting you on, just the way that Cin does…”

  “Me?” Cin protested. “I’ve never put anyone on in my life!”

  Natalie ignored Cin as she patted Jen’s hand. “Jen, give credit where it’s due. He took the initiative to come here and talk to me about your past…”

  A new terror ripped through Jen. “About my past? You talked to him about my past?”

  “He wanted to know about Steve. It’s only understandable. He thought that whatever happened between you and Steve was the reason you couldn’t believe that he really loves you. And you know, I have to admire his insight. I’ve thought all along that the problem was your fear of trusting anyone again. There’s an imbalance in your aura, my friend Karen said so, and only a very sensitive man would be aware of it.”

  Jen took a deep gulp of the hot tea. It didn’t fortify her; in fact, it scalded her throat. But at least that proved that she was awake.

  This was really happening.

  “Mom, please tell me that you didn’t tell Zach about Steve.”

  Her mother fidgeted. “I know it’s private, Jen, and your personal business is your personal business.”

  “But?” Jen prompted.

  Natalie averted her gaze. “I told him that you and Steve had been engaged and that Steve had broken it off suddenly, and that he had hurt you.”

  “That’s all you told him?”

  “Pretty much.”

  “What about the big C?”

  Natalie met Jen’s gaze squarely. “I didn’t tell him about that.”

  Jen breathed a sigh of relief that one of her secrets was still her own. But this had gone far enough. She took a deep breath and prepared to confess her sins. “Mom, you need to know something about this.”

  “What’s that?”

  “Zach and I have never had a date. I brought him to Thanksgiving dinner so that you wouldn’t fix me up with someone else. It was a trick and it wasn’t a nice one, and I’m sorry, but we’re not in a serious relationship.”

  If Jen had thought that confession would resolve things, she had called it wrong.

  “I think you need to stop denying your feelings for Zach, Jen,” Natalie said. “Nice men don’t come along all the time.”

  “I’m not denying my feelings for him! I don’t have any feelings for him. I barely know him.”

  “But you see, that’s going to change,” Natalie said calmly. She got up from the table and fetched a wad of papers from the desk. Jen felt her eyes round when she saw what they were: her mother was carrying astrological charts.

  “You didn’t,” she breathed.

  Natalie smiled. “Well, how else could I trust him so easily as that? And you know the strangest thing, Jen, is that there’s a perfect conjunction between the Vertes of your charts…”

  “That means a fated relationship,” Cin said with enthusiasm.

  “I know what it’s supposed to mean, but it’s not rational…” Jen began to argue.

  Natalie looked at her over the rims of her glasses. “Only those things that are rational are true then? What about love?”

  “What about the fact that dozens of children are born in hospitals in the Greater Boston area every day and every night?” Jen demanded. “Does that mean that I could have a destined true love with every other guy who was born the same day as Zach Coxwell?”

  Natalie removed her glasses. “Well, of course. That’s why all this talk about a single soul mate is nonsensical. There are potentially dozens of soul mates for each of us, each one of whom could teach us something, any one of which could chart a path intersecting with our own at any point in time.”

  “Mom. Zach Coxwell is not one of my soul mates.”

  “That’s not what it says here on your charts.”

  Jen knew she couldn’t win that argument, so she appealed to Cin. “The whole fake date scheme was Cin’s idea. Right, Cin?”

  “I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Cin said demurely and sipped her tea.

  Jen regarded her sister with outrage. “What do you mean? You came up with the idea in the first place. Find a guy Mom will hate, you said, a guy just like Steve…”

  “Zach isn’t at all like Steve,” Natalie said firmly. “And I like him. A lot.”

  “And he’s cute,” Cin said. “A Valentine’s Day wedding is so romantic, Jen. I don’t know why you’re being so obstructionist about this.”

  “Because it’s a lie!”

  “Zach’s right,” Natalie said to Cin. “Steve really did leave an emotional scar. I had no idea it was so bad. Even with her aura.”

  “It’s sad when someone like Jen can’t trust anymore,” Cin agreed.

  “Don’t you have to go?” Jen demanded of her sister. “Isn’t Ian waiting on you?”

  Cin smiled sweetly. “He’s working late. I’m in no rush to leave.”

  “It’s downright tragic when we hold ourselves back from love.” Natalie gave Jen a concerned look. “Do you want me to book a consultation with Karen? You know she’s the best at balancing auras. She could massage your energy forces and fix you right up. I’m sure she could come by in the next two days.”

  “No, thank you, I’m fine.” Jen got to her feet. Funny, but she didn’t feel so tired anymore.

  In fact, she felt murderous.

  “But where are you going?” Natalie asked when Jen hauled on her coat and boots.

  “Out.”

  “You just got home!”

  “I have to go kill somebody.” Jen grabbed her hat and gloves. “And it has to happen now.”

  “That’s so bad for your karma!” Natalie cried.

  “Oh, no, Mom. This must be love,” Cin said, assuming her ‘wise’ expression. “Look at all the energy she has, now that she’s going to see
him. She won’t kill him. She’ll kiss him instead.” She waved her fingertips. “See you tomorrow, sis. We won’t wait up.”

  “I am not going to have sex with Zach Coxwell!” Jen shouted.

  “Maybe you should,” Natalie said worriedly. “You’re very tense, Jen. That’s not good for a bride-to-be.”

  “An orgasm might be just the thing,” Cin agreed.

  “I’m only energized because I’m ready to get the dirty work behind me.” Jen glared at her mother and sister. “In fact, I should have killed Zach sooner. It would have made things much simpler.”

  Cin swallowed a smile. “You could just break up with him instead.”

  “I tried that already: it didn’t work.”

  “Violence is never an answer,” Natalie began, but Jen interrupted her.

  “It is this time. Trust me.”

  “I think you’re being too sensitive, Jen. Let me call Karen. Zach is such a caring individual and once your aura is balanced…”

  “If you believe that, then he’s got you fooled, Mom.”

  “But Jen, you can’t lie,” Cin said, laughter underlying her words. “You’ll get caught in the act and go to jail forever.”

  “It’ll be worth it.” She spared her sister one last glance from the doorway. Natalie’s back was turned, so Jen pointed at Cin and mouthed the words ‘You’re next’.

  The last thing she heard before she closed the door was her sister’s laughter.

  Chapter Nine

  Zach stood at the window of his condo, leaning against the trim as he watched the road below. He didn’t think it would take long for Jen to show up and chew him out, and he smiled when he saw that he was right.

  She came out of the T station like a whirlwind, then strode through the snow. Her jacket was open and blowing in the wind, she was only wearing one glove and had the other one clenched in her fist. Her every step was filled with fury as she made her way to his apartment. Her mom had said she was working until four: factor in transit time and Jen must have come straight here. It was only five-ten.

  Perfect.

  It was already getting dark out, the winter light turning that pearly dusk that was just right for romance. He lit the candles, reminded Roxie to behave herself, and turned on the music. He didn’t have anything sufficiently saccharine for the wine and roses thing, so he played R.E.M.’s Losing My Religion.